The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

I had big plans for this post. In fact, I had plans for a couple of posts that were going to be light on (or not even contain) a medical update, but just focus on a few stories I wanted to share. Entertainment versus cancer stuff. Alas, a whopping 4 months have gone by, and I realize I have a few folks out there wondering where things stand. With that being said, I’m going to have to hit you with a health update, Spaghetti Western style …

THE GOOD (I.E. CLINT “THE MAN” EASTWOOD):

I had a bone scan in late May, and it showed that most of the tumors in my bones have calmed down (the report even used the phrase “general improvement”). Then I had a full CT scan about 3 weeks ago, and for the first time in 4 years, it showed concrete, measurable shrinkage of just about every tumor in my lungs, chest, lung pleura, and lymph nodes (~25%-30% on average). I must have re-read those reports and reviewed the scans myself a hundred times to make sure there wasn’t a mistake. Apparently, this latest chemo is working to some degree … What else is good? Well, I’ve been back out on the bike – put in a 10-miler recently and even road the PR route for the first time in 6+ months. I did not shave any seconds off the PR time … in fact I was 4 MINUTES off the record, but hell, at least I did it. I’ve also lifted a few light weights, very lightly hit the double-end bag, and been back outside doing some physical work (used a chainsaw a while back, although that probably wasn’t smart). To cap it off, I actually did a few hill runs (“38 specials” … the .38 mile hill in front of our house). Yes, I could have sat down and scooted up the hill on my ass, backwards, faster than I ran, but it doesn’t matter … I ran, and I felt like a friggin’ Kenyan marathoner!

THE BAD (I.E. LEE “THE MUSTACHE” VAN CLEEF):

One place the chemo is not working is my liver. I have two primary tumors there, both of which continue to grow fairly aggressively. The liver is no joke. I’ve had 30 or 40 tumors in my lungs for years now, and they don’t scare me much anymore. The liver … let’s just say that’s a problem we have to address. The latest CT also showed I have 3 more broken ribs. One of them is pretty mangled and is encased in a soft tissue/muscle tumor.

THE UGLY (I.E. … ME, I SUPPOSE):

I’m bald again. The chemo I’ve been on is tough on hair, but you usually don’t lose it. But the radiation I got to the six tumors on my skull a few months ago was the knockout blow. I hung on as long as I could this time, but one evening I came downstairs after taking a shower, and the kids looked at me and laughed. I guess the dozen separate combovers I had going in different directions wasn’t working. I went back up and shaved. I’m not sure that hair’s ever coming back. Whatever. Tegan says “Mom is the boss of the house.” But she concedes that I’m at least the “bald boss.” The broken bones sound worse than they are (I wouldn’t have even known about two of the ribs except for the scan), but as much as I like statistics, I’m still not thrilled to be adding them to my sheet. Pain … I won’t elaborate other than to say it’s usually random in location and timing, and often extreme. One day I can’t walk, or lift my arm, or whatever. The next day I can go out for a 10-mile ride and then go weed whack for a few hours. Baldness, broken bones, pain. Cancer’s the root of the problem of course, but honestly most of this stuff is a byproduct of treatment. In just the past year I’ve had 20 chemo infusions, 25 radiation treatments (all over the place), and taken chemo pills for 6 months. The battlefield is scarred, I guess you’d say.

So, what’s next? You guessed it, more treatment. I’m scheduled to get radiation today, Wednesday, and Friday on the bigger, more aggressive liver tumor and also the broken rib/muscle tumor since it’s all in the same area. And I’ll keep getting chemo as long as I can hack it and as long as it seems to be working. I think I’m going to have to get the port put back in my chest though, as my veins are shot.

I’m going to leave it at that, except for the following … those of you who have been here from the beginning, may have read a few posts in the past where I referenced the seven “Stage 5 Truths” that I’ve learned from this whole experience. I’ve decided I don’t like the word “truths,” as it implies that I actually know something. I think I’m just going to call them “guides,” because that’s what they are. They are simple reminders that I need to give myself each day (but too often forget) – guides for maintaining perspective. The last time I posted them was over two years ago, when my cousin, Jim Pendergast, passed away from cancer, and I was unable to attend his services in Colorado because of my own treatments. I loved Jim, and still do. Talk to him often, in fact. Anyway, it’s been a while since I posted these, and now’s as good a time as any to remind myself again. And, in doing so, I’m going to add one. So instead of seven “truths” it’ll be eight “guides.” I’m adding the new one at the top …

If you haven’t already checked out, feel free to do so now. Or keep reading – your call. Either way, profound thanks again for all the love and support out there. Until next time, peace out!

STAGE 5 GUIDES

We’re just on loan. My wife. My child. My mom and dad. My brother and sister. My friend. Like most people, I use the possessive when I talk about my loved ones. But we don’t get to own each other. The truth is, we’re simply on loan to each other, and that’s okay. If you’re lucky enough to have “my”s in your life, surely it’s because God has chosen you specifically to love and care for each of them. So do it well today and savor the blessing of their presence in your life.

Today is the only day. The past and the future exist only in the thoughts and emotions I allow myself to have about them right now, in this moment, today. So, get busy living. Take things in stride. Do good. Savor all the blessings, big and small, that come your way. But most of all, stay in today.

What’s my mission? God has a purpose and a plan for me, but only to the extent I’m willing to seek out that purpose and accept that plan. If I’m open, if I’m seeking, if I’m accepting, there will come at least one moment today when a purpose will be revealed. It might be big (running into a burning building to save a life – not likely, but you never know – hey, maybe that’s why I need to get faster?). It might be mid-sized (dropping what I’m doing and reaching out to someone I know is in need). It might be very small (just holding the door for someone at the gas station or bringing a smile out in someone that really needs one). Regardless of import, if my heart and mind are open, I’ll recognize these moments, these purposes. And when I fulfill them – when I become an instrument of God’s will – I’ll feel great joy and peace.

Have gratitude. You feel closest to God in moments of gratitude. It’s a direct line to the Big Man, and it never fails. All things you’ve been given, all blessings bestowed on you, everything you have or ever will accomplish, come from above. Big and small. A good scan, a nice vacation, a positive book review? Thank God. A great cup of coffee, a favorite song coming on the radio, or finding the kids somehow overlooked the leftover pizza in the fridge? Thank God. You’ll have a thousand reasons to be thankful today. Try to recognize them and give thanks.

You are not alone. 7+ billion lives. There are 7+ billion lives, other than your own, unfolding on this planet, right now. Stop for a moment and imagine: An old dude farming a rice paddy in China, a single mom juggling work and kids in Nairobi, a snazzy banker in Switzerland, a newborn baby in a NICU in Sydney, a roofer pounding nails in the Texas sun, a homeless teen in Tacoma, a monk in Tibet, the Queen of England … 7+ billion lives, right now … and you are connected to each of them. Close your eyes and you can feel that connection, in fact. Regardless of our differences, we’re all children of God – all manifestations of the same life force, if you will. And we all share the following: each of our lives is filled with triumphs and defeats, hope and despair, joy and suffering. Life is messy sometimes, and we are all imperfect. But life is a beautiful blessing too, and we’re all in it together. You are connected, you are a part of something bigger, you are not alone.

Your life is the blink of an eye. No matter how you approach it, from the known history of the cosmos or the concept of eternity as put forth in scripture, your life in this world is the blink of an eye – finite and fleeting. That’s okay. In fact, take comfort in this. Don’t take things so seriously. There’s more than this – more to life than … life. You know it. You feel it. Eventually, you’ll get to experience it. In the meantime, don’t seek heaven on earth, eternity in this life, just focus on doing good and taking pleasure in the small blessings, the beautiful moments, the clarity, and the connections.

Have faith in your faith, as imperfect as it is. Foxhole faith is real, because foxholes are real. Don’t doubt your faith because it drops out of focus a little when things are going well. No matter how blessed a life you live, one thing is certain: you will eventually find yourself in a foxhole, and the faith that comes out then, the comfort you take in it, is real. Respect that faith. Grow that faith. If this is a bad day, lean on that faith. If this is a good day, don’t forget to pay it its due. And while you’re at it, speaking of faith, don’t be so clever that you end up a fool. Remember what you once wrote: “I won’t deny religion can’t seem to get out of its own way. It’s as primitive and imperfect as we are, I suppose. But it’s what we have. We have to get the nail in the wood somehow, don’t we? We don’t look at a hammer and list its inefficiencies. We pick it up and let it swing, right?”

Know your legacy. If every ambition you’ve ever had in your entire life somehow came to fruition, at best, in a few generations, you’d still be just a footnote. You only have one legacy on this earth: how much and how well you love, and how that love impacts the lives around you. So, go ahead, have ambition, set goals, chase dreams. Take pleasure in the chase, and give thanks when things work out. But don’t mistake any of it for the real thing. Live today knowing what your true legacy will be.